Right, here we go then:
Woman, 25, looking for female friend age 22-32 who lives in Birmingham city centre. Must enjoy Disney, Domino’s pizza, trips to the cinema and gossiping on WhatsApp. Ideally should have an unhealthy love of wine and good sense of humour so we can laugh nervously about unhealthy love of wine. Must always order pudding at restaurants and let me practice French braiding her hair. Definitely must not ridicule slight obsession with Dan Stevens as ‘Beast’ in Beauty & The Beast. If interested, please email firstname.lastname@example.org for details.
A while ago I felt sad. Not very sad – not depressed – but sad enough that it was affecting me. I couldn’t figure it out. So I went to talk to someone.
He suggested I felt vulnerable. That I’d moved to this big, wonderful city and become overwhelmed with a new life. Sure, my own family and friends were just over an hour away, but perhaps too far to just “pop in”. David’s friends and family had now become my friends and family. What would happen if everything went wrong? Everybody I know here is linked to David first, they would support him first. So where would that leave me?
Sounds dramatic doesn’t it? Of course, I’m not too worried about David going anywhere. Who would feed his Coca Cola addiction and shout at him for leaving coffee stains all over the table? Who would bother to iron the collar and cuffs of his work shirts because she has neither the time NOR THE PATIENCE to iron the whole thing?
But it did get me thinking. It would be nice to have one friend of my very own in Birmingham. Someone I can tell my coffee-stained-table qualms to, someone who could lend a sympathetic ear over a glass of wine, while I talk to her about my growing fears I might have a wine addiction.
I’ve been thinking, how do I go about this? Shall I join a sports club, volunteer somewhere? WikiHow suggests simply ‘going for a walk’. (Did they do any research at all? Who makes lifelong friends on a walk? Please get in touch if this is you.)
Perhaps I should write an engaging, witty biography about myself online to reel in potential friends? There’s plenty of websites designed for just this; Meet Up, City Socializer, even Tinder (although the day I download Tinder to find a friend is the day I call an end to all this).
Before I met David, I remember saying I wanted to meet a man ‘the natural way’.
“I want to be buying a bag of apples and then drop them and the apples roll everywhere and one hits his foot and he bends down and picks it up just as I’m about to and our eyes meet and we fall in love!” I’d wail pathetically after another failed Tinder date.
Part of me wants this for my new, yet-to-be-discovered, friendship. Perhaps I could buy an orange juice from Costa and as I walk round the corner I bump into her and throw my orange juice all over her t-shirt (not dissimilar to the scene in Notting Hill) and she’s angry at first but then I offer to let her change at my apartment and she actually agrees to come along (even though I could be a psychopath) and then a lasting friendship is born.
But, let’s be honest, I can’t speed-walk round corners with a cup of orange juice all my life.
So I’ve signed up with City Socializer. I have already received a few “connection” invites from nice-seeming girls but have yet to decide if they are murderers/60-year-old men in disguise. The only way forward is just to GO to a social (and have an escape plan if necessary).
Maybe I’ll print the above advert on a card to hand out…
P.S. Just a shout out to my ACTUAL female friends, thank you for being fab. I hope you’re not reading this and thinking, “the ABSOLUTE cheek of some people. I go out of my way to be her friend and I get it thrown IN MY FACE. I hope she chokes on her wine.”